Alien Beasts Review

Interest: 3/10

Acting: 3/10

Storyline: 2/10

Intensity: 0/10

Fights Guns or otherwise: 2/10

Excitement: 2/10

Horror: 0/10

Nudity: 5/10

Action: 1/10

Alien Beasts was requested, and won in a contest by Reddit user “darthslug”. It is an action, animation, and horror film that runs about an hour and fourteen minutes. This movie seems terrible, but is it really so bad?

Interest: There is very little interest happening in this movie, nothing of actual interest really happens at all, there is a plot that Gets vomited at us through still images and dialogue. Strange “music plays also with sometimes inverted images and well I feel like it’s more a mind control experiment, than a real “movie”.

Acting: There is very little acting that goes on, a lot of this movie is still shots with a voice talking over it. So it feels super incomplete, but what acting there is, is like a firery dump after eating too hot wings from the night before coming out your ass. You knew it was coming, but you didn’t know how powerful the scorching would be on your anus. It’s best to just flush this fucker before it stars to stink up the place.

Storyline: I honestly Have no real fucking idea what’s going on. Typically in my reviews I’m not so blunt and mean, but seriously, this is just silly fucking shit, that like, has no value besides as a “Hey! DON”T FUCKING DO THIS TO MAKE A MOVIE!” That being said what I can gather is an alien attack happened? Maybe? And some old guy is going over the footage. Which seems like it is the whole movie I think. But some things switch to real time and yeah shit makes no god damn sense.

Intensity: There is a lack of intensity in this movie, mostly because there is a lack of any sort of caring at all by cast and crew. it’s honestly kind of impressive the lack of collective fucks these people give, no one seems happy, they seem dead on the inside, but real dead, and jolted with some electricity, not like a sleep deprived, I want to get off the set type of way.

Fights, Guns or Otherwise: There are fights, but like badly, how if you ever faked fight when you were a teen, this is exactly how it feels, bad, drug out, and really for no reason. If it was done well, I wouldn’t mind. If it was good and drug out, also wouldn’t mind. If it was good and for no reason, also okay, but this is just random attacks, and just lots of it, that takes like 3 minutes in movie to get over. Its so fucking long god damn this is just a frustrating turd.

Excitement: I want to say there is excitement, but that’s just bad gas from those wings from the other night. I Say there may be a single exciting moment in this whole movie, or maybe the movie as a whole gets if juiced down, a single scenes worth of excitement in the whole damn movie. If you need something to put you to sleep, this will do it. Well, actually it won’t because of the inverse colors it randomly uses and jump cuts could potentially make someone have a seizure.

Horror: The only reason this movie is scary is because it got made, and people stuck around for it. The actual movie isn’t even kind of scary. I’ve seen Weird Al music videos that are scarier. I have seen cardboard boxes that caused more terror. This shit isn’t scary at all, and if you are scared by it, you probably have mental problems.

Nudity: Typically this would the saving grace of movies of this quality. Usually being the key word here. It’s the same sets of boobs several times, and they’re just ok. That and honestly, I just felt weird for seeing boobs in this honestly. Nothing against her personally, it just feels weird.

Action: So I’m not really sure what was “Action” about this. It’s as action packed as wetting a sponge. Not using it, just wetting it. There aren’t words about this film and how lacking in action it truly is.

So would I recommend this movie? That is a hard fucking no. I to some extent hate myself for even watching it once. I hopefully never pass this cancer to someone else on purpose or accident. I hope a drunken stupor also doesn’t cause me to send this godless abomination to someone on accident also. I’ve heard there are more films this person has made, I may watch a more recent film to see if these have become any better but for the sake of christ, me and all the cosby kids, don’t watch this movie, it’s a fucking shit show in a way I can only describe as mundane, sad, and boring.